Week 11

Week 11: Worship

Are there any changes you would like to make in your current patterns of practicing worship?

A few weeks ago Brian did a message about inviting Jesus to be in your everyday life.  He talked about inviting Jesus to join as you read the paper, watch tv, eat breakfast, etc.  This was a really challenging message for me.  I know this is what you are supposed to do as a Christian, but for some  reason I have forgotten that God needs to be in every part of my life.  I have severely overlooked verses like Romans 12:1.  

 As I read this chapter on worship, I was struck by the similarity of Brian's message and Foster's first step in worship.  He says to "learn to practice the presence of God daily."  This is one area of worship that I would like to grow in.  I forget in my daily life that God should be a part of it all; not just the "designated" times like my quiet time or when I attend church.  As I have been attempting to invite Jesus to be with me every moment of every day I realize how difficult this is, and how easily I forget to invite Him to join me.

If I can spend more time with God in my daily living, how much more will I be able to follow Him.  How much easier will it be to hear His voice and sense His presence?  This will dramatically increase my ability to lead people to God through worship.  If I can see where He is going; where He is leading, I can lead others into a more meaningful time of worship.  Letting God take control will be so much easier.  Risking will be much less frightening. If I can learn to truly let God be a part of every moment of my life, my effectiveness as a worship leader can only increase.  My relationship with Him will only get better.  This truly will change my life in the best of ways.  

How is it that I have grown up in a Christian home, and I have been a Christian from a really young age and yet this stuff feels new....I feel like I should have some of this figured out by now.  Seriously I have recently (for a few weeks) been legitimately trying to consciously invite God to be a part of every point of my day.  I cannot begin to list how many minutes, hours, days that have passed that I have completely forgotten to do this.  Worse even is the moments that I have invited Him yet ignored his promptings.  Sometimes I feel like I am exactly like my two year old son; he cries because he wants me to be near yet when I speak to him he does not want to listen.  Someday I hope I can grow up a bit. 

Week 10: Confession

Where are your greatest difficulties in understanding and accepting the forgiveness of God?

I don’t know why this is so hard.  I guess when it comes down to it, I just don’t always feel worthy of such forgiveness.  I grew up in a Christian home, I became a Christian at a very young age, and I have never walked away from God.  I know that God is good, and that He loves me.  With all that being said, I have always struggled with feeling God’s love.  It is one of those things that I know, but I guess I don’t feel it most of the time.  There are times where God moves in a big way and I am reminded how much he loves me, but in my day to day life, it’s something I forget.  Perhaps the big lesson for me here is to spend more time reminding myself of God’s love.

In my mind, if I had a greater understanding of God’s love for me, than accepting His forgiveness would be easier…not sinning would be easier.  It is so hard to wrap my mind around the idea that God loves me so much that he would give up the life of his son.  Knowing fully all of the stupid things I do, why would He do this?  It is so hard to grasp this concept.  Yet, that is the truth.  This is the amazing part of being a Christian.

This gets tricky when leading worship.  How do I lead songs like “This is Amazing Grace” and “The Lord is Gracious” when I struggle believing them?  This again is where God moves and reminds me of His love for me.  When I lead songs like these, God speaks to me, He whispers ever so softly to the depths of my soul and reminds me that no matter what He loves me.  And in those moments I believe Him.  He is so good.

Week 9

Which forms of service are hardest for you to practice? Why do you think this is so?

There is something about having people over that freaks me out.  Seriously, my husband would probably have people in our home every day if it was up to him alone.  I don’t know why, but I get a little crazy when people come over.  I want my house to be spotless, and I never feel like things are good enough.  It is ridiculous because I know that our friends don’t really care at all.  I know that they do not notice that my kitchen is outdated, that there is likely a layer of dust on the bookshelves, and that if they dare to put their hand in a couch cushion they are bound to find some stale goldfish or cheerios.  But I continue to feel this way.  The ironic thing is that I have not always felt like this.  When we first got married, we lived in a tiny little apartment with mismatched couches that were from my husband’s apartment.  Seriously they were terrible.  At one point we had a crate in place of a dining room chair because the chair had broken, we did not own a television (that was a great conversation starter), and our home décor was a mix of stolen street signs (courtesy of my husband’s teenage years) and random items we got for our wedding (random being the key word).  And yet, I didn’t notice or care enough to be self-conscious about it.

I guess as I get older I feel more and more pressure to meet other people’s expectations.  I think this is the reason hospitality is such a difficult service for me to practice.  I assume that I will be judged because my home is not out of a magazine.  Why I get so caught up in what someone else might think I do not know.  At the end of the day, what does it matter?  This is my life, my house is sometimes dirty, and there are always dirty little fingerprints to be found.  I would not change it.  It is crazy when I think about it that I allow this to get in the way of serving.  Yet another area of life to do some work on.

submission

Week 8:  Submission

What fears or anxieties, if any, hinder you from joyfully experiencing the Discipline of submission?

Okay so I am not sure that it is so much fear or anxiety as much as it is frustration and misconception that cause me to avoid this idea of submission all together.  To be quite honest, I have heard too many teachings on submission that just seem to misrepresent and distort what it seems the Bible is really saying.  I guess my fear is that some of these terrible teachings are actually true.  This really applies to the teachings concerned with marriage.  For some reason, I can recall hearing a lot about wives submitting to husbands but not much else in the way of teaching on submission.  I seriously rolled my eyes a little when I saw this title because I am so frustrated by what I feel like the Bible says and what so many people say.   

                Enough soap box for now, the answer to the question above is truly that I am afraid that all of these teachings that put a bad taste in my mouth are true.  After reading Foster’s chapter on submission I breathed a sigh of relief.  The whole idea of submission is difficult but, the way Foster explains it makes much more sense to me.  It is really living life the way Jesus lived.  To “joyfully” submit seems so counterintuitive.  However, when Foster talks about the freedom of not having to have my own way, my eyes were opened.  I had never thought of this as a positive thing, but as I read the explanation he gives, I literally felt the weight being lifted.  Just the idea of being in a place where I don’t have to get my own way seems freeing.   Truly I am slowly understanding that submission is actually living life the way that Jesus lived.  Instead of making it about husbands and wives, I am realizing that it is a way of life.  It is funny because when I think of what I am afraid of and what causes anxiety in regard to submission I realize that I am a little afraid of giving up the control.  I want my way, I want to do what I want and how I want, but I know and have always known that God’s way is always better.  I know His plan is going to be more challenging and difficult, but I also know that His plan is best. 

                I have been trying to do some meditation and study on Psalm 23.  As I was spending time reading this passage the other day, the first verse resonated with me.  Psalm 23:1 The Lord is my shepherd I have all that I need.  This verse alone reminds me that even as I submit myself before God, he will provide all that I need.  He is faithful and promises again and again to provide for my needs.  Why then do I fear giving up the control?  Submitting to him and his way of life is so much better.  In regards to worship, the same is true.  I can show up with my set and my plan, but it is so much better when I simply follow his lead.  He knows what is needed, He knows where I am, and sometimes He decides to take things in a different direction.  This always freaks me out, but it is always so much better when I follow his lead.

                Someday soon I hope to know and understand this more fully; to truly give my life up without hesitation or thought to the God that I serve, and to know that He has me.

Solitude

Week 7 solitude

By personality and temperament, are you drawn toward being alone or toward being with people?  What does this suggest about your practice of solitude?

So I actually love being alone.  I am definitely an introvert, and I crave solitude and silence.  Having a husband and now two little boys, neither of these things come around very often.  I guess this suggests that solitude is a practice that happens often and easily for me.  To some extent this is very true.  It is not uncommon for me to drive my car in silence, or to have complete silence when I am home by myself.  I am not a person who needs to have noise or people around to feel comfortable.  So naturally solitude is pretty easy for me.  What takes a little more work is making it purposeful and useful.

One aspect of this chapter that is a massive challenge is this idea of speaking less overall and making what I do say count.  This does not come naturally at all.  Even as I was reading the chapter I felt challenged to speak less.  I was not expecting to see that as part of solitude.  Foater never ceases to challenge.

simplicity

Simplicity

Week 6

In Foster’s discussion of simplicity in chapter 6, what motivated you?  What made you concerned or anxious?

                Reading chapter 6 was quite liberating.  I am constantly looking for ways to simplify life.  I have never thought of simplicity as a discipline, but I see the reason why Foster addresses it in his book.  I really like that he gives the ten suggestions in how to live a life of simplicity.  In reading this chapter, I am motivated by each of these steps.  The ones that are the biggest challenge for me currently are nine and ten. 

A few years ago my husband and I were educated on the vast and horrific fact of modern day slavery.  When we were first told of this hidden horror, we were given a ton of information.  One piece of this was learning to make responsible purchases.  Never had we thought about where our clothes or electronics had come from.  After learning more, we realized that some purchases are not so innocent.  As time has gone on and life has become more busy, finances a little more limited, we have fallen out of the habit of making educated choices in regards to the things we buy.  While this may seem extreme, it is something that I truly believe falls under the ninth suggestion Foster gives.  He says to “reject anything that breeds the oppression of others.”  I am motivated to be a better consumer and to make more educated decisions in regards to the companies I give my money to.  

Putting God first is always a challenge for me.  This is why number ten of Foster’s guidelines is another challenge.  There are so many things that easily push God to the side, this is a terrible and frankly lazy way of living.  Reading this chapter once again reminds me how intentional I have to be to truly put God first, above all things.  It is crazy to me how easily other things quietly begin to push God aside.  I really have to be intentional and conscious of this or I easily find myself frustrated and depleted.  How good God is to constantly remind me that he is all I need.  That without him, nothing really matters, that with him no matter the circumstance life is truly better.  How easily I forget and how gently he reminds me of these things.  He is a good and faithful God and he deserves all I have to give.

Study

Week Five:  Study

What have you learned about practicing the Discipline of Study in your work on Celebration of Discipline so far?

                I realized very quickly that what I thought about “study” was actually quite different from Foster’s explanation of study.  In many ways I was excited to read this chapter because initially I thought to myself, finally something that seems a little easier.  As I began to read I realized how very wrong I was about study being easy.  So what did I learn?  A lot!  One of the biggest things I am realizing is that I am a really good reader, but I am terrible at giving the information I read a chance to make a change.  Foster says, “The purpose of the Spiritual Disciplines is the total transformation of a person.”  This quote alone is my challenge.  It is letting God totally change me.  I can read the assigned readings and check it off the list without too much difficulty, but I struggle to make breathing room.  By this I mean; I struggle to allow what I read or study to go deep and do what it is meant to do, change me.  As I read about the four steps in study, I see how deliberate I need to be.  I also realize how much more time I need to carve out.  A reoccurring theme for me as I read this book is that I need to allow more space in my life for God.  Wow is He having to really tell me this over and over again.  I have to admit I almost laughed out loud as I read Foster talk about taking a few days of solitude to study for 12 hours a day.  This seems obsurd….at first.  Then I realized how much I need to be steeped in the Word of God.  What a challenging chapter.

                So where is my starting point on this?  Well, since I will have a newborn here very shortly a couple days of solitude really is out of the question.  But, one of the things that Foster also talks about is reading the same short book of the Bible every day for one month.  This is where I will begin.  I will try to implement these four steps of repetition, concentration, comprehension, and reflection.  I know that God is so faithful, when I give even the smallest effort I never regret the time I spend with Him.  I also realize that the more I “know” God, really know him the more grounded I will be. 

It’s funny I pray often that my son will know God at a young age, I want him to know God, not just know of Him.  I guess it is about time I work a little harder to be that example.  This translates in so many ways to leading worship.  The more I know God the better I know how to follow Him.  The more effective I can be in leading because I will see and sense where the Holy Spirit is leading.  When I sing the songs, I can sing with more conviction and understanding because I don’t just think that God is good, I will know it.  I am excited to put more effort into this discipline of study.  I really think I have been waiting for this challenge, now it’s time to actually do it.