Solitude

                I love being alone.  It is such a rare thing for me at this point in life that it actually feels like a luxury.  While I love that I get to be home with my boys and I work very little outside of my home, a definite down side is no alone time.  Such is life with small kids.  When I saw this as our soul practice I got really excited.  Unfortunately I never got to have some time to myself.  I got a few minutes here and a few minutes there, but I never got a block of time. 

                I did learn how much I really look forward to time to alone.  I need this space, it renews and refreshes me.  I am a better person, I am more fully who God created me to be when I get time alone.  It takes a lot of work and planning but as time goes on I am realizing how much I need to prioritize this sacred space.

                As far as taking off the masks, I actually feel this is most accurate for me when it comes to worshiping in solitude.  I know that when we talk about solitude is usually means being alone and being quiet, but as I think about it, my most sincere worship comes when I am alone.  My favorite times are when I am home and I get to sit at my piano with no one else around and it’s just me and God.  There is no one to impress, to think about.  I don’t wonder if I seem sincere or look sincere.  I merely find my place at the feet of my Father and worship Him the way I was meant to worship.  The more time I get to spend in this type of worship, the more I understand what it is meant to look like.  That being said, I realize that I need to work on being quiet before God.  I guess maybe it's easier to feel like I have taken off my masks when I am worshiping because I have something to occupy my mind with.  As I think about this concept of being my true self before God, I see that I have some work to do.   

Week 7

Before this chapter, I would have said that Jesus needed to die on the cross to make a way for us to spend eternity in heaven.  He had to die in our place so that we could have the opportunity to be made right with God.  That probably would have been the extent of my explanation. 

When I read this story about Brennan Manning, I was perplexed that I had never thought of Jesus dying on the cross in this manner.  I have never thought, “What more could he have done?”  It made me sad that I had ever questioned his love for me.  I realize how often I take it for granted that he died for me.  Sometimes it is hard not to gloss over the cross.  I have been hearing it my whole life; Jesus died on the cross because he loves me so much.  But, I don’t stop to think about what that means often enough.  Reading this story gave me new perspective on this idea that there isn’t anything else that he could have done to show his love.  He did it all on the cross.  If someone living now did this for me, if someone died on my behalf, in my place, I think I would wake up every morning thinking about it.  I think it would weigh heavy on my mind and heart day after day.  It would change how I see the world, how I make decisions, how I look at life.  I realize that even though this is what Jesus did for me, I don’t let it get that close.  I hold it at a distance.  I depersonalize it as if he died for everyone else but not for me.  I am finding that I need to spend some time meditating on the cross and what it means to me.  What a powerful story.

Living with Margin

                This is something I have struggled to incorporate in my life for a few years.  I think I did try to be more mindful of creating more space in life this week.  I guess one of the suggestions that I did was cutting out unnecessary entertainment.  This isn’t a huge part of my life, so I don’t feel like it really was much different than the norm.  What really made the biggest difference was trying to schedule more efficiently, and limit how much I tried to pack into one day.  This is the thing that causes the biggest amount of stress for me.  It is trying to do 5 million things in one day, dragging the boys here and there. What happens is, I am always in such a hurry that nothing is completed or done well.  So I have to say that in trying to slow down and do less, life felt much better.  I was less frustrated with how the day went mostly because I wasn’t in a hurry trying to get out the door.  I also said “no” a lot more.  This was hard.  It feels selfish to me when I don’t offer to help someone out when I know they could use the help, or bring a meal to everyone I know that just had a baby.  It is a tricky balance for sure trying to figure out how to live a life that is reaching out to others, but not over-reaching so much that there is no time for the most important things. 

                I realize that I feel pressure to do a lot of stuff for other people, and I struggle with knowing when to reach out and when to just be.  I guess I feel like if someone asks, I should say yes.  I am not a “yes” person, but I struggle with this.  When I do say yes to something, I often stress so much about it that I totally regret doing it.  I am learning that I really have to think through what I am doing, why I am doing it, and if I am doing it the best most efficient way possible.  This takes a lot of work, but in the end is so much better.  I have to do things thoughtfully and not out of reaction but out of intentional planning.  After having a pretty quiet week, I realized that I was so much more patient with my 2 year old.  I was able to even laugh at how he doddles and gets distracted with every little thing.  This was really eye opening and in the end rewarding.  Such truly small changes that made life feel so much better. 

               

Love

I have done lectio devina before, and I really enjoyed going through this practice again.  I was especially moved by the passage that Smith chose for us to work through.  Having done this before, it was nice to settle in and spend time in a small part of scripture.  This is actually more reflective of what my typical Bible reading looks like, and while I see the value of our Bible reading program, this is much more my style.  It was refreshing to stop and allow the Word of God speak to me.  I definitely heard pretty loud and clear what God was saying to me through the practice of lectio devina.  While this was a powerful moment, it was a bit heart breaking as God revealed where I need to put some work in.  I love when I sense God’s presence, but sometimes what He reveals is difficult to accept and hard to hear.  However, I already feel like He is changing me, making me a better person, and allowing me to grow in the areas He pointed out in this time.

                I feel like most of the things I “learn” are things I have known but need reminded of.  I guess I learned that God can be very gentle in His discipline.  As He brought to light an area in my life that I really, really need to change, it was such a gentle and kind prompting.  My heart fell as the truth of what He was revealing to me became apparent, but even still I see Him at work in my life already.  I learned about myself that I have really neglected some areas of my life.  There is always something that needs some work.

                “You must sit down,” said Love, “and taste my meat.”

This is my favorite line of the poem.  While I found the entire piece moving, this line grabs my heart.  The last few years God has said to me in many ways through many people to rest in Him.  Over and over again He has said be still, abide in me, rest in me, allow me.  I for some reason am always surprised that God wants us to rest.  I guess part of this comes from this idea that good people work and work hard.  Most of the people I love, respect, and look up to are workers.  I grew up surrounded by family who valued working hard.  This was instilled into me at a young age.  I am very grateful for this.  The only place this is difficult is in my relationship with God.  I forget and undervalue rest.  I overlook that God doesn’t require work from me, He requires a heart that is willing and moldable.  More than anything He wants me to spend time with Him.  It continues to boggle my mind that the God of the universe is interested in me, that He wants to spend time with me.  It is a good reminder once again that if I stop and rest in Him, He will do the work that needs to be done.