Solitude

                I love being alone.  It is such a rare thing for me at this point in life that it actually feels like a luxury.  While I love that I get to be home with my boys and I work very little outside of my home, a definite down side is no alone time.  Such is life with small kids.  When I saw this as our soul practice I got really excited.  Unfortunately I never got to have some time to myself.  I got a few minutes here and a few minutes there, but I never got a block of time. 

                I did learn how much I really look forward to time to alone.  I need this space, it renews and refreshes me.  I am a better person, I am more fully who God created me to be when I get time alone.  It takes a lot of work and planning but as time goes on I am realizing how much I need to prioritize this sacred space.

                As far as taking off the masks, I actually feel this is most accurate for me when it comes to worshiping in solitude.  I know that when we talk about solitude is usually means being alone and being quiet, but as I think about it, my most sincere worship comes when I am alone.  My favorite times are when I am home and I get to sit at my piano with no one else around and it’s just me and God.  There is no one to impress, to think about.  I don’t wonder if I seem sincere or look sincere.  I merely find my place at the feet of my Father and worship Him the way I was meant to worship.  The more time I get to spend in this type of worship, the more I understand what it is meant to look like.  That being said, I realize that I need to work on being quiet before God.  I guess maybe it's easier to feel like I have taken off my masks when I am worshiping because I have something to occupy my mind with.  As I think about this concept of being my true self before God, I see that I have some work to do.   

Week 7

Before this chapter, I would have said that Jesus needed to die on the cross to make a way for us to spend eternity in heaven.  He had to die in our place so that we could have the opportunity to be made right with God.  That probably would have been the extent of my explanation. 

When I read this story about Brennan Manning, I was perplexed that I had never thought of Jesus dying on the cross in this manner.  I have never thought, “What more could he have done?”  It made me sad that I had ever questioned his love for me.  I realize how often I take it for granted that he died for me.  Sometimes it is hard not to gloss over the cross.  I have been hearing it my whole life; Jesus died on the cross because he loves me so much.  But, I don’t stop to think about what that means often enough.  Reading this story gave me new perspective on this idea that there isn’t anything else that he could have done to show his love.  He did it all on the cross.  If someone living now did this for me, if someone died on my behalf, in my place, I think I would wake up every morning thinking about it.  I think it would weigh heavy on my mind and heart day after day.  It would change how I see the world, how I make decisions, how I look at life.  I realize that even though this is what Jesus did for me, I don’t let it get that close.  I hold it at a distance.  I depersonalize it as if he died for everyone else but not for me.  I am finding that I need to spend some time meditating on the cross and what it means to me.  What a powerful story.

Living with Margin

                This is something I have struggled to incorporate in my life for a few years.  I think I did try to be more mindful of creating more space in life this week.  I guess one of the suggestions that I did was cutting out unnecessary entertainment.  This isn’t a huge part of my life, so I don’t feel like it really was much different than the norm.  What really made the biggest difference was trying to schedule more efficiently, and limit how much I tried to pack into one day.  This is the thing that causes the biggest amount of stress for me.  It is trying to do 5 million things in one day, dragging the boys here and there. What happens is, I am always in such a hurry that nothing is completed or done well.  So I have to say that in trying to slow down and do less, life felt much better.  I was less frustrated with how the day went mostly because I wasn’t in a hurry trying to get out the door.  I also said “no” a lot more.  This was hard.  It feels selfish to me when I don’t offer to help someone out when I know they could use the help, or bring a meal to everyone I know that just had a baby.  It is a tricky balance for sure trying to figure out how to live a life that is reaching out to others, but not over-reaching so much that there is no time for the most important things. 

                I realize that I feel pressure to do a lot of stuff for other people, and I struggle with knowing when to reach out and when to just be.  I guess I feel like if someone asks, I should say yes.  I am not a “yes” person, but I struggle with this.  When I do say yes to something, I often stress so much about it that I totally regret doing it.  I am learning that I really have to think through what I am doing, why I am doing it, and if I am doing it the best most efficient way possible.  This takes a lot of work, but in the end is so much better.  I have to do things thoughtfully and not out of reaction but out of intentional planning.  After having a pretty quiet week, I realized that I was so much more patient with my 2 year old.  I was able to even laugh at how he doddles and gets distracted with every little thing.  This was really eye opening and in the end rewarding.  Such truly small changes that made life feel so much better. 

               

Love

I have done lectio devina before, and I really enjoyed going through this practice again.  I was especially moved by the passage that Smith chose for us to work through.  Having done this before, it was nice to settle in and spend time in a small part of scripture.  This is actually more reflective of what my typical Bible reading looks like, and while I see the value of our Bible reading program, this is much more my style.  It was refreshing to stop and allow the Word of God speak to me.  I definitely heard pretty loud and clear what God was saying to me through the practice of lectio devina.  While this was a powerful moment, it was a bit heart breaking as God revealed where I need to put some work in.  I love when I sense God’s presence, but sometimes what He reveals is difficult to accept and hard to hear.  However, I already feel like He is changing me, making me a better person, and allowing me to grow in the areas He pointed out in this time.

                I feel like most of the things I “learn” are things I have known but need reminded of.  I guess I learned that God can be very gentle in His discipline.  As He brought to light an area in my life that I really, really need to change, it was such a gentle and kind prompting.  My heart fell as the truth of what He was revealing to me became apparent, but even still I see Him at work in my life already.  I learned about myself that I have really neglected some areas of my life.  There is always something that needs some work.

                “You must sit down,” said Love, “and taste my meat.”

This is my favorite line of the poem.  While I found the entire piece moving, this line grabs my heart.  The last few years God has said to me in many ways through many people to rest in Him.  Over and over again He has said be still, abide in me, rest in me, allow me.  I for some reason am always surprised that God wants us to rest.  I guess part of this comes from this idea that good people work and work hard.  Most of the people I love, respect, and look up to are workers.  I grew up surrounded by family who valued working hard.  This was instilled into me at a young age.  I am very grateful for this.  The only place this is difficult is in my relationship with God.  I forget and undervalue rest.  I overlook that God doesn’t require work from me, He requires a heart that is willing and moldable.  More than anything He wants me to spend time with Him.  It continues to boggle my mind that the God of the universe is interested in me, that He wants to spend time with me.  It is a good reminder once again that if I stop and rest in Him, He will do the work that needs to be done.

Psalm 23

I have spent some time in Psalm 23.  A few months ago I made it a part of my daily practice to recite or read this Psalm every day.  I actually stuck with it for a month or so.  Reading this week that this was the soul training was really exciting.  It was nice to once again revisit this passage that really speaks to me in so many ways.  I didn’t do the same thing every time, but whenever I would think about it, I would in my mind recite and or pray Psalm 23.  One of these times I actually prayed it out loud.  I always find peace in these words.  I feel like they center me and help me to settle in to God and what He has.

                I realized that I miss spending time in this part of scripture on a daily basis.  I need to once again revisit these words daily.  They put my day into perspective even as I begin to recite them. 

                It is really hard to pick out one verse or phrase that is meaningful.  Depending on the day, each line in this passage is so heavy with truth and meaning.  I think one phrase that often speaks to me is he restores my soul.  God restores my soul.  He cares enough about me that even the parts of me that I may not fully know or understand he brings restoration to.  That place in my life that nothing else can heal, nothing else can fix, and He is there.  He is always there waiting for me to quiet myself so that he can move and bring wholeness to me.  I love that this Psalm speaks so confidently.  There is not a question of if God will answer or be near.  Instead it is stated as absolute.  Even in moments of doubt, as I pray these truths my heart is calmed, my soul quieted, and my mind is brought back to the One who created me.  

week 3

“Finding God moment by revelatory moment, in the sacred and the mundane, in the valley and on the hill, in triumph and tragedy, and living praise erupting because of it.  That is what we were made for.”              David Crowder

                Making a list of blessings was not a difficulty for me at all.  I actually really enjoyed it.  Having done a small amount of international travel to Central America, I merely have to remember those trips and my list of blessings grows quite rapidly.   It is amazing what much of the world does without.  Beyond having an incredible family and support system, the list of creature comforts alone fills a page or so.  I know and am reminded often how incredibly blessed I am.  I am completely undeserving though continually thankful for this. 

                I was reminded of how amazing God is.  I did learn that a few of the things I am thankful for actually sometimes annoy me.  An example of this is:  I love that my husband loves to play with my boys.  Often this playtime gets rowdy and loud.  In the moment I am often annoyed with the noise level and craziness of what those boys are doing.  But I wouldn’t change it.  I know the value of the role my husband plays in their lives as their dad, and I realize that I need to chill out.  What they are doing, though loud and crazy is important and one day I will miss getting to be the audience. 

                I wasn’t really surprised by anything that made my list.  I think when you travel outside of the US, many things that you take for granted are made pretty apparent.  This is especially true if you visit any developing countries.  I am so grateful that I have had the opportunities in my life to travel a bit.  It has helped me to put life into perspective and to understand a little of what many people go without.  In addition to this, I have some dear friends who once lived in Honduras.  One was born there and the other lived there for 7 years.  Just sitting with them and hearing a little of what life was like there always helps me to see how truly spoiled I am. 

                This was a really nice exercise.  I looked forward to the end of the night when I would grab a pen and sit with my journal and jot down a few more things that I am thankful for.  I think I might make this a weekly habit.   

Shhhhhhhhhhh

The Beauty of Silence

I am sitting beside a pool surrounded by trees with birds chirping all around. Though there is laughter and shouting it is a serene and silent moment. I love silence, I crave quiet. It is what soothes my soul. While I enjoy the peacefulness of no noise, what really renews me is the moments that my mind is quiet. This is the task for me. To not only find space for literal silence, but to find a way to silence within. I was able to find space for the practice of this discipline although I need to make more time to sit and be.
I realize that more than physical silence I need to practice inner silence. I have a constant ticker running all of the things I need to do, plan, figure out, and pray about. My struggle is in letting those things fall so that I can just be. So that I can rest in the presence of The Almighty. I also discovered that I am currently struggling to know deep within that God is good. It is something I know and have known. He has shown me time and time again His goodness, but last year was a rough one for us. I am realizing that I am still trying to process through some of the tragic losses we endured. When life gets crappy it's sometimes hard for me to fully grasp that God is good when my heart is so full of sorrow and grief. I am so thankful that God allows me to work through these times in life. That He remains close even as I struggle to hang on to the truths He has revealed to me again and again.
It was hard to find the time to spend in silence mostly because I read the soul training Tuesday. So I've only had a few days to focus in on this particular discipline. Also, I am so forgetful that there are times that I just don't remember until I am drifting off into sleep. A point in which silence only leads to slumber.
I was walking with my son talking about some flowers, and I was reminded how Jesus tells us that he clothes the lilies and provides for the birds of the air....how much more does he care for us??? (Matthew 6:28-33). Being in nature and taking some time to be in creation with my son actually allows me to share a lot about God and his love for us. I am just thinking maybe that is a space where I can hear/sense God more easily.I am much more aware of His love when I am paying attention to what He has created.